


Always Been Mine

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Drama, During Canon, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-02-12
Updated: 2009-02-12
Packaged: 2018-09-03 07:23:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8702956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: ‘I have made so many mistakes in my life. Some of them I can never take back. There are things I would do anything to change. I’m not perfect, and I’ll never be, but if you’ll take me I’ll give you all that I am.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

Dean is well aware that this life, the life he’s leading isn’t normal. By that he doesn’t mean only hunting, the awareness what’s really out in there in the dark and sometimes even in broad daylight. Which is even worse, because darkness is familiar; in the dark it’s easier to stay invisible, but in the light he doesn’t have the benefit of staying out of sight. But that’s not the point. 

 

It’s not the fact that he hasn’t really had a home since their house burned down when Dean was just four years old. It’s not the fact that his father raised him like a soldier, or that Dean made his first sawed off at the age when most of the kids were still playing with toy soldiers. Dean knows that the war is real, and there are no toy soldiers, only real ones, and then the casualties of that ongoing war are very real too.

 

It’s not even the fact that Dad was always away and Dean practically raised his younger brother when he was just a kid himself too. Sometimes Dean feels like he has never actually been a kid, not really. He gave up his childhood for his little brother. It didn’t take much hesitation.

 

Dean can’t deny that raising his baby brother got on his nerves more than once, but he never complained, not once, even if he sometimes was a little harder to Sam than his brother deserved. Aside from Sam being a gloomy, introverted kid he was relatively easy, and sometimes Dean regrets all those hard words he said to Sam, but they were just kids back then, and they were both lost, though Dean never let it show. He had to be strong, for Sammy. Sam was more important than anything else.

 

And when Dean thinks about the things he’s never had; a home, a family (a real one), a childhood, he realizes that there’s one thing he’s always had. 

 

Sam.

 

And that, right there, brings him back to the place where his thoughts started, the awareness that his life isn’t normal. 

Sam is all grown up now; he’s not the sad, broody, agonized kid he used to be anymore. He’s not the awkward, lanky boy who was all legs and arms with no idea of what to do with them. Oh no.

 

Sam is a man now.

 

Sam’s body has filled with long, lean muscles, strength and agility. His legs are still mile long, but nowadays he moves with such cat-like grace that it sometimes makes Dean wonder if his little brother is even the same person anymore. And just when Dean thinks he doesn’t know Sam anymore, something happens and Sam is sad, broody and agonized again, and definitely the brother Dean knows and has always known.

 

He is ashamed to admit it, but in a way he’s glad when Sam hurts, because the one thing that hasn’t changed over the years is that if feeling bad, Sam still seeks comfort from his big brother when the world kicks him in the face, and during those moments Dean feels important, feels like a big brother again. 

 

It feels so good to know that Sam still needs him.

Just like Dean has always needed Sam.

 

But then the need changes, mutates, or maybe it has always been there like that but they just haven’t realized it. Sam has this look in his eyes, the look that says that his heart is bleeding, and Dean is too weak to resist. When Sam climbs into his bed, Dean doesn’t find it in himself to say _no_. He knows it’s _wrong_ , something they should _never_ do, but he’s weak, and he needs Sam.

 

Sam is his weakness, the one who fills him with love and hate, and during those forbidden moments in the dark Dean wonders which feeling is stronger. He doesn’t hate Sam, he never could. He hates himself, not because he gives in to Sam’s wordless pleas, but because deep inside he knows that he needs this at least as much as Sam does. He needs to hold his brother close, so close that there is no end nor beginning, only one soul inside two bodies, and Dean knows that somehow they have always been one. This is just the final step. 

 

When they join, it feels like there’s only one body too. Dean is lost; he can’t even tell where he ends and Sam begins. They are one. Dean thrusts inside Sam, slowly, looking into Sam’s eyes that seem to glow in the dark. The uncontrollable need takes over, and they move, touch, bite and claw until there’s nothing left but a writhing mess of sweaty skin and tangled limbs, Dean’s groans and Sam’s quiet whimpers, silent pleas, and Dean reads Sam like an open book, gives him everything his baby brother doesn’t even dare to ask. He gives Sam everything, all he has to give, until Sam is just a trembling mess, incoherent and weak.

 

Dean realizes he loves this feeling; having Sam under him, weak, spent and helpless.

 

The self-loathing comes later.

 

Few hours later Dean watches Sam sleep, watches his beautiful face, so peaceful, so young. He sighs, finds a piece of paper and starts to write a letter, a letter to Sam. He has no intentions of ever giving it to him, but writing down the words is enough, and he needs to write this down. Maybe to clear his mind, maybe to confess. Maybe both. So he writes.

 

_‘I have made so many mistakes in my life. Some of them I can never take back. There are things I would do anything to change. I’m not perfect, and I’ll never be, but if you’ll take me I’ll give you all that I am. With you I don’t regret anything, and what we just did… I won’t deny it from you if you want it again. Know why? Because you need it, I can see in your eyes. The thing that scares me is that I need it as well, maybe even more than you do. And it’s selfish and pathetic, but Sammy, you’ve always been mine. And I’ve always been yours. You should know. I was yours the moment I carried you out of our burning house so many years ago. That was also the moment you became mine, and I’m not letting you go, not unless you ask me to, and I pray to God that day never comes. You are mine, Sammy, and that is one thing I never want to change. –D’_

 

Dean has never been good with writing letters. He doesn’t know how to be eloquent, but when he writes, he writes straight from his heart, and this, what he just wrote, is what he feels. He loves Sam, more as a brother, more as a lover. This love is something that there are no words for.

 

He hides the letter in his duffel under his clothes and crawls back to bed with Sam who mutters something in his sleep and shifts restlessly. “Hush, baby…” Dean whispers. “I’m here. Everything’s fine.” Sam calms down instantly. Dean wraps his arms around his baby brother, buries his nose in the soft curls on Sam’s neck and closes his eyes.

 

The self-loathing is gone the moment his baby brother turns around and wraps his sleepy form around Dean, clings to him like he would drown if Dean weren’t there to hold on to him, and right that moment Dean really can’t think of a place in the world he would rather be.

 

-Fin-


End file.
